Be More Like Job

Awhile back I came across this blog post about trusting God in any situation, even if things seem impossible.  The post has lingered in my mind and I can’t help but relate it to the current situation in my life. It’s easier said than done… to just give control over to God and let him take care of things. In the post, the writer talks about Job in the Bible and how no matter how horrible the circumstances, he was willing to give over everything he had to God and trust him to make something of it. She talks about how she is striving to live more like Job. I too, wish I could be more like Job.

Two years ago something bad happened in my life. The kind of bad that tears families apart, shatters marriages, and sticks with you for the rest of your life. We all handle situations differently and I wish I could say that I handled it better than I did, but I didn’t. I found myself in a horrible place; the deepest, darkest black hole of depression I’ve ever known. I cried every single day for four months straight. I had nightmares, horrible anxiety, and pretty much lost “me.” All of the things that make up who I am… just seemed to disappear. I ran a lot. I cried while I ran. I was absolutely heartbroken. I wanted to drink it all away. At times I even imagined what it would be like to die. It was a bad, bad time in my life to say the least. One day, I realized I needed to make a choice. Perhaps one of the most important choices I would ever make. I could both drink all my troubles away and become that person that never comes back to reality or I could be the mom and wife I’ve always wanted to be and I could make positive, healthy choices to get my life back together.  I needed to get better so I could take care of my little boy.

Out of desperation, I dropped to my knees and pretty much begged God to take all the hurt away from me. This situation was bigger than me and there was no way I could do it on my own. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed in my life. I eliminated the things/people in my life that negatively affected me. I wanted no distractions. I trusted God to see me through, to save my marriage, to bring me out of that dark hole. I would be lying if I said that I don’t have bad days sometimes, but I can’t express to you the miracles I saw God work in my life. He truly made beauty out of ashes. This week, we celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary. It was a day that I thought I would never see. He made the impossible…possible. I had never in my life trusted God to take control of my life and make changes like that before. It was an amazing experience. That is why I need to trust that he will see us through what we are currently going through and I know that he will.

We have tried to have a second child for four long years now. We have been through fertility treatments and have seen numerous doctors. These doctors tell us that we are unable to have another child. We are heartbroken but I have to try and see the bigger picture. God has a plan for us and knows the desires of our hearts. We may not be able to see what’s in store for us but he can. He may have something far greater planned for our lives than what we could ever imagine. At the end of the day these are just doctors. God works miracles every day and blesses people with children when they least expect it. I have to hold on to that and ask that you pray for us at this time, that we can let go and let God. Pray that if a baby is not part of God's plan for us, that we can accept that and move on. Sometimes it’s easier said than done. I will take this one day at a time. Today, I will try to be more like Job.

Love, E

Photo above from Blog here.