Awhile back I came across this blog post about trusting God
in any situation, even if things seem impossible. The post has lingered in my mind and I can’t
help but relate it to the current situation in my life. It’s easier said than
done… to just give control over to God and let him take care of things. In the
post, the writer talks about Job in the Bible and how no matter how horrible
the circumstances, he was willing to give over everything he had to God and
trust him to make something of it. She talks about how she is striving to live
more like Job. I too, wish I could be more like Job.
Two years ago something bad happened in my life. The kind of
bad that tears families apart, shatters marriages, and sticks with you for the
rest of your life. We all handle situations differently and I wish I could say
that I handled it better than I did, but I didn’t. I found myself in a horrible
place; the deepest, darkest black hole of depression I’ve ever known. I cried
every single day for four months straight. I had nightmares, horrible anxiety,
and pretty much lost “me.” All of the things that make up who I am… just seemed
to disappear. I ran a lot. I cried while I ran. I was absolutely heartbroken. I
wanted to drink it all away. At times I even imagined what it would be like to
die. It was a bad, bad time in my life to say the least. One day, I realized I
needed to make a choice. Perhaps one of the most important choices I would ever
make. I could both drink all my troubles away and become that person that never
comes back to reality or I could be the mom and wife I’ve always wanted to be
and I could make positive, healthy choices to get my life back together. I needed to get better so I could take care of
my little boy.
Out of desperation, I dropped to my knees and pretty much
begged God to take all the hurt away from me. This situation was bigger than me
and there was no way I could do it on my own. I prayed harder than I have ever
prayed in my life. I eliminated the things/people in my life that negatively
affected me. I wanted no distractions. I trusted God to see me through, to save
my marriage, to bring me out of that dark hole. I would be lying if I said that
I don’t have bad days sometimes, but I can’t express to you the miracles I saw
God work in my life. He truly made beauty out of ashes. This week, we
celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary. It was a day that I thought I would
never see. He made the impossible…possible. I had never in my life trusted God
to take control of my life and make changes like that before. It was an amazing
experience. That is why I need to trust that he will see us through what we are
currently going through and I know that he will.
We have tried to have a second child for four long years
now. We have been through fertility treatments and have seen numerous doctors.
These doctors tell us that we are unable to have another child. We are
heartbroken but I have to try and see the bigger picture. God has a plan for us
and knows the desires of our hearts. We may not be able to see what’s in store
for us but he can. He may have something far greater planned for our lives than
what we could ever imagine. At the end of the day these are just doctors. God
works miracles every day and blesses people with children when they least
expect it. I have to hold on to that and ask that you pray for us at this time,
that we can let go and let God. Pray that if a baby is not part of God's plan for us, that we can accept that and move on. Sometimes it’s easier said than done. I will
take this one day at a time. Today, I will try to be more like Job.
Love, E
Photo above from Blog here.
Love, E
Photo above from Blog here.
